#because of those intense emotions
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good-beanswrites Ā· 3 months ago
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Another Truman show thing: the scene where Truman gets kinda physically violent, maybe with mu, she would break character maybe at one point (T3)
This was such an interesting concept, thank you!! OUGH I didn't realize my silly fix-it was capable of such angst until I started writing šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­ There's no graphic violence/gore, but still warning for Es pushing Muu around.
Muuā€™s tears for Haruka may not have been real, but these ones were definitely genuine. If anything, sheā€™d been jealous that Haruka got to spend the majority of this trial in the plushy facility rooms with good meals, while the others were still in these cold cells. However, face-to-face with Es, who was grieving someone she cared just as deeply about, she found her sobs came easily.
ā€œYou could have stopped him.ā€ Everything about Es was shaking ā€“ their voice, their hands, and as she would soon realize, their composure. ā€œWhy didnā€™t you stop him?ā€
ā€œI d-didnā€™t knowā€¦ā€ She covered her mouth, shaking her head frantically. ā€œI didnā€™t -hic- think he wouldā€¦ā€
ā€œBut you did!ā€ Esā€™s arm flung out, knocking over their chair. The clatter rattled in Muuā€™s ears. ā€œYou knew, because we all knew!ā€
Muu leapt up, in part due to the clatter startling her, and in part to speak her piece. ā€œThen why didnā€™t you stop it? If you -hic- if you had just ā€“ā€
ā€œIf I had just what? Forgiven you?ā€ They roared.
ā€œO-o-or him!ā€Ā 
ā€œYouā€™re trying to pin the blame on me? How dare you!ā€
Es shoved her backwards. She gasped as she hit the concrete wall.
ā€œBut why -hic- why is it my fault? You let it happen, and he did, and Shidou, and everyone!ā€Ā 
ā€œYou really canā€™t take an ounce of responsibility, can you?ā€Ā 
Muu tried to flee, but as emphasis on their last words, Es pushed her again. She went flailing and grabbed onto Esā€™s uniform. The pair went tumbling to the ground, Es still trying to jerk her around. Muu winced at the pain as she slammed into the cold stone.
ā€œWhy are you doing this to me? -hic- It wasnā€™t me, I swear!ā€
ā€œIt was all you!ā€
Es was on top of her, their voice shrill and their eyes wild. She had always thought it was an exaggeration when Jackalope gave them notes to make their eyes look so intense and frenzied in their videos.Ā 
All of the sudden, she realized that people really do have that look when theyā€™re ready to kill you.
ā€œYou monster!ā€Ā 
Muuā€™s vision sparked as Esā€™s palm struck her cheek. Sheā€™d never been slapped before. The sting seemed to seep all the way under her skin.Ā 
ā€œPeople like you are ā€“!ā€Ā 
Their words were cut short as Muu delivered a slap of her own. She hadnā€™t meant to. Sheā€™d been so focused on keeping her mouth shut, and not blurting out the best defense (ā€œheā€™s not dead!ā€), she hadnā€™t even considered her self preservation instincts would kick in. Her whole body itched to throw Es off, to hurt them before they could hurt her. In all honesty, it was a miracle sheā€™d only tried a slap.
The pair stared at each other with wide eyes. The shock had snapped Es out of their fury.
ā€œBut youā€¦ howā€¦ā€
The prison bell rang, far earlier than it should have.
Muu shook her head. ā€œIā€¦ donā€™t knowā€¦ā€Ā 
As the room changed shape around them ā€“ revealing intricate parts of machine that did absolutely nothing ā€“ she lay there crying. Crying about what Es had said. Crying from fear of them. Crying that she may have ruined the whole experiment. Crying because in every way, she had failed the people she wanted to help.
Es rose, stumbling away from her.Ā 
ā€œMuu.ā€ Their voice was hoarse. ā€œI didnā€™t mean for things to get out of hand.ā€ Their eyes flicked nervously to her, wondering what had caused this sudden breach of the prisonā€™s main restriction. ā€œPerhapsā€¦ Milgram makes exceptions when Iā€™ve taken things too far. Iā€¦ I didnā€™t mean to push you to that point.ā€
She nodded weakly, rising off the ground. She took her seat again.Ā 
There was a moment where they both sat in heavy silence; both afraid of what Es was capable of.Ā 
ā€œPrisoner 004, sing your sins.ā€
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cybertron-smash-or-pass Ā· 6 months ago
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TF One D-16
#poll#maccadam#transformers#smash or pass#request#d-16#tf one#look. listen to me. i want the movie to be good. i want it to be good so badly.#but i simply do not trust it. its giving marvel movie and that has me Incredibly Fuckin Worried#because i do not want this franchise to turn into generic safe crowd pleaser action comedy allergic to genuine emotion generator no. 6483754#i do not want cliche heavy low effort lowest common denominator movie afraid to do anything even slightly weird beyond surface level#like. look. as much as i dunk on bayverse. as much as i voice my distaste for the designs and everything micheal bay has ever done#i respect the hell out of them for letting those robots be fucked up aliens#with weird nasty unfamiliar biology#and for having intense and serious and deathly somber moments#even if they butcher the characterization of some of the bots#cough cough give me your face ill kill them all optimus#im also not crazy about it looking like optimus and megatron come from the same place in the bottom of society#its so much more compelling for megs to come from the very bottom and be hyperaware of how bad everything is#whole orion has more of an everyman position. a cushy library job. not afforded luxuries but not rotting at the bottom#because then they learn from each other. orion piecing together hiw bad things get while megs picks up how in the dark the mid caste is#also genuinely truly if i have to hear bumblebee say 'well that just happened' im walking through the space bridge into a vacuum#welp. that turned into an essay. dont mind me being a hater šŸ’–
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amxthystiine Ā· 20 days ago
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RAHHHH IM NOT DEAD I HAVENT BURNT OUT TRUST
Canto VII is going absolutely insane rn GOD I hate THAT stage you know the one took me a day to complete it
BUT RAHHHH IM BACK!!! SELF INSERT UPON YE
Iā€™ve been stewing on her lore a bit and have a possible scene that could play out in my mind but ye!!
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#amethystā€™s little rambles#ocs#oc#art#limbus company#artists on tumblr#digital art#lcb#project moon#tbh I did fuck it we ball the background but I will say there are still a couple intentional choices here n there#trying to integrate some of her main symbols yknow#also slightly related Hokma was so based for saying time is like a scythe#like PEAK FICTION YOU YOU GET IT#the feature of the moon is for somewhat obvious reasons (weapon name + moonstone)#the fog and the shattered mirror is to represent how sheā€™s kinda lost her way#as in sheā€™s lost touch with her passion and anger and more intense emotions#due to bottling them all up as those above her considered them distractions to her work#(via the experimental moonstone)#their reaper had to be as efficient to harvest the best results the fastest doesnā€™t she?#also yknow harvest moon + a scythe having a crescent shaped blade - moon motif#and yknow the two pillars#two mirrors#duality is what thatā€™s supposed to represent because I feel like making a specific other little guy of mine her animus#well the manifestation of her animus AND her repressed true more extreme emotions#both good and bad - yknow heā€™s where her emotions are going to somehow#she doesnā€™t know this at first but eventually thereā€™s a reveal where theyā€™re one in the same#and the moonstone fully shatters#leaving her in shambles and most likely distorting as her worldview crumbles around her as like at least a decades worth of repressed#emotions storm over her#with this having been his plan from the beginning - could make Kairos part of the blue group at this rate lmfao he even has the colour
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lunarharp Ā· 11 months ago
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when an obsessed orufrey person plays ace attorney for the first time in a while
#witch hat tag#orufrey#you know those times when the defendant is still in shambles at the end of a case because it was not a clear-cut thing#but you get to present one Special Sentimental piece of evidence that proves not all is lost#qifrey's breakdown would be like... he turns up calm and pleasant like dahlia kristoph gant etc but very quickly:#well first he's hiding his scar so you have to use the bracelet and also you find out about the seal on his hat using that.#eventually he is throwing water that comes out of nowhere like that coffee prosecutor guy. and his cape starts billowing#the more he breaks down his neck thingies start coming undone btw. To represent his descent into guilt and his LIES becoming undone.#course as the player i have already used my magatama and seen his 35894 psychelocks. but theyre those BLACK psychelocks#representing his repressed memories taken by the brimhats. also his glasses shatter out of nowhere when you keep presenting evidence#and tartah's testimony etc. and the player is like UHH this guy is A PUPPET MASTER but coco's heartfelt testimony commands the tone#and of course he's someone who has been twisted and damaged by trauma like adrian andrews. the mastermind is of course the brimhats#only me with my magatama knows that... only i can do it. It has to be me.....#just like how as the reader i can see everything about qifrey and i can hold him dear as much as i judge him#whereas if i were oru things would not be ok unless memories can be restored and mentally ill decisions can be illuminated#WELL ANYWAY !!!!! what i appreciate about ace attorney is its ability to mix silliness with seriousness#i cant usually make jokes about serious heavy heartbreaking stuff in witch hat because it is all very intense emotions for me#but i appreciate ace attorney's mix of sincerity and psychological pain and the inherent silliness to being a character in a situation#so.....Get Iguin on the stand. Now. BAILIFF.. TAKE OFF THE MASK#i would most love to be able to prove qifrey's eyesight is failing. hed be like I have no reason to pursue the brimhats (smiles pleasantly)#and it would be like You're lowering your gaze.. proof that the court lighting is too harsh for you..!#his glasses would crack at that moment btw. I used apollo's bracelet and saw the glyphs on the glass.#I know all about u. and i will save u
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stefisdoingthings Ā· 5 months ago
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Nightow. Hey Nightow. Thank you for making men cry in various situations. Doing Godā€™s work.
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krotiation Ā· 2 months ago
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this soundtrack genuinely makes me so emotional like damn. the jack vs fiona scene at the end of ep 2 is already so perfect and then they had to go make this beautiful as hell ost with it too. those bastards
#yeah im gonna gush abt the borderlands ost again#it slaps so hard and i dont see many people talking abt it SOB#but this one especially got me by the balls#cause it really adds to the intensity of the decision of whether you should trust jack or fiona#like you can feel rhys' nerves and conflicting emotions through the soundtrack alone#cause even tho you yourself know jack is Bad and fiona is the objectively good option you also know that rhys has a different perspective#fiona is a pandoran con artist which should be reason enough to not trust her (dude is NOT immune to hyperion propaganda)#but shes also tough and survived for 29 whole years WHILE ALSO protecting her sister so she's gotta be doing something right#and even rhys could tell fiona is very genuine. plus they set out to find the vault together so he kinda has to trust her at some point#but then theres jack who hes idolized for so long and hes literally in his ear telling him not to trust fiona#but trusting jack means giving jack way too much access to his cybernetics and even tho hes a massive fanboy hes also aware of jacks nature#and on top of this hard decision theres also a time limit. like he had to make this choice on the spot#IM TELLING YOU MAN THAT SCENE IS CRAZY. I GET GOOSEBUMPS THINKING ABOUT IT#and no matter who you pick at the end youre always like 'well. this doesnt bode well'#because youve either essentially given jack access to your brain or youve pissed jack off and neither of those are good#rhys was in a lose-lose situation there#txt
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crownedwille Ā· 8 months ago
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I've come to the conclusion that loving young royals doesn't mean I can't be critical about it, maybe especially bc I love the show so much I have such strong feelings about it, good and bad and I can love parts of canon and agree with it and appreciate it but I don't have to love it all. I have accepted that it's okay if I don't accept the ending and I don't have to force myself to support it. It's okay to not agree with all of canon and it's okay to not side with all of the creators' intentions/views. Loving a show doesn't mean you have to take everything the writers say on face value and that's the only version that is allowed to exist. Canon isn't everything and fandom is about curating your own experience that makes you happy and not miserable. You don't have to dismiss canon in every aspect and ignore it entirely, that's certainly not what I want but there is a fine line between being canon respectful, allowing some parts to exist and sometimes, yes, you just have to say "fuck canon" and move on for your own sanity and wellbeing
#especically in the first two weeks of a new release everyone is feelings lots of intense emotions ranging from ecstatic to angry#everything in between is a part of it and i know i'm also feeling very strongly about it right now#i always try to stay levelheaded and rational and see things from an objective pov and be diplomatic about discourse#i don't want any of what i say drift off too much into meaningless hate instead of the constructive criticism it's supposed to be#but when you feel so strongly about something and sometimes you really just wanna say yeah i fucking hate it lol#but i always try to explain why and give understandable arguments and not just blindly hate on something#for example - I'm aware there are fans who have some problems with s2 and don't love the season whereas i do and it's my fave#and there is a difference between expressing some criticism and justified concerns which you can understand where it comes from#and those who are just like 'oh it's a horrible season. it was so shitty and we should get rid of it' which is dumb hate and just not true#and i can't support people like that and take them seriously#i can have my own issues with s3 from a subjective pov which can also include some justified criticism as well#but also still acknowledge it as a truly good piece of tv media and the quality is top notch#and that's why you have such high expectations and have critique because it is so good and sets such a high standard#yrtalk#with that being said i understand ppl not wanting to see any critic about it if they are riding the high of happy wilmon endgame#but that doesn't mean that i can't express my own opinions on my own blog and i will continue to do so#and maybe one day i will feel differently and accept or even like the ending who knows#but it doesn't have to happen. it's fine if it does but it's also fine if it doesn't
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kuruk Ā· 8 months ago
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oh my god I know like it sounds weird to say this when it's just avatar but the original show has aang go back to the southern air temple to show katara and sokka his home only to find evidence of the genocide of his people and the loss of his loved ones and it's quiet until you see his grief and his rage but you just see the aftermath a hundred years later and the netflix adaptation makes it feel like they wanted it to be a cool action movie with an epic scene showing the fighting and running of the airbenders like that side by side with aang running away and it's like ??? okay it's "darker" congratulations I can see that's what the goal is based on the differences in firebending and early on screen deaths go and focus on every bit of violence for the audience's lazy sadistic pleasure instead of any of the characters personal narratives especially the women that can all be taken right out + the discovery of different places all over the world in the earth kingdom and outside of it. put everything in omashu so they don't get to meet people and see the diversity of the world and each town and SEE what life is like for them under war and have these experiences with all these people build up to something bigger at the end
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brittlebutch Ā· 10 months ago
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actually first ep of Voyager where Janeway talks to Tuvok about how his family misses him is that when she says they Worry about him Tuvok contradicts her and claims that Vulcans don't do that but when she corrects and says they Miss him he accepts this and admits he misses them too; implying perhaps a pedantic difference between 'Vulcans do not Feel Emotions' (false) and 'Vulcans do not Act Out of Emotion' (accurate) -> 'Miss/Longing' is an emotion, but 'Worry' is an action one does out of emotion -> one Vulcans do; one Vulcans do not.
#N posts stuff#continuation of thoughts from my last post bc i can smell the counterarguments of 'vulcans are not emotional and are#therefore not impulsive and therefore no vulcan child Would run off unattended' which is Wrong#but also a half formulated thought regarding: how often characters will CLAIM that 'vulcans don't do X' and how often#people take that at face value instead of accepting it as like. a character motivated Lie that is being told lol#ie) when Spock claims 'Vulcans don't Have emotions' this is a lie he tells because 1) it's funny to him or 2) this is an Exaggerated#expectation he feels put on him BC other vulcans are more ready to judge his behavior based purely on the knowledge of his#half human genetics -> Spock is forced to hold a Higher standard just to get others to acknowledge they are Minimally equal#ALT: we do Know that Vulcan emotions are deeper/more intense than they visibly show; it doesn't feel Standardized to me that#daily Vulcan culture would DENY the existence of emotions entirely (unless one undergoes Kohlinar which seems to be a Rarer#and more Intense lifestyle Choice SOME vulcans make) bc that Feels like it would be a Lie which wouldn't be Logical to uphold#BUT i Can see conversations About those emotions being one of those things Vulcans keep extraordinarily close to their chest#in Amok Time Spock was ready to Die before he'd tell anyone about a biochemical process his body was experiencing; I can see#emotions as a whole being an almost Equally intimate thing to share w/ outsiders -> hence the 'Vulcans Don't experience emotion'#claim being made in broader Outside society ; you'd talk about it w/ other vulcans but Not with a bunch of humans#(Spock being an arguable Exception to this standard BC of the 'has to uphold a Higher Standard just to be permitted on even ground)#this post is a lot of thinking aloud idk how much coherence there is here but it's fun to think about on many paths
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snowthornes Ā· 1 year ago
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āžø Avriel | @uroboros-if
āœ¦ Moment of Creation šŸ‚
In the all-encompassing cradle of the universe, Avriel came into existence within the embrace of light. They first felt pain. The universe wracked every thread of their existence with the agony of every being, all at once ā€” then soothed the fractures left behind with the love of all that ever was and ever will be. Upon his first time laying eyes on another being, he attempted to replicate her smile. The first... emotion he ever felt in the waking world was curiosity.
āœ¦ Pieces of a Soul šŸ‚
āžø Avriel stands at 5'9. He sits with his knees curled against his chest whenever he can get away with it, making him appear to be smaller than he actually is. šŸ‚
āžø He can be quite contradictory in the sense that while he approaches the world with an unrelenting ā€” sometimes reckless ā€” optimism, heā€™s always very surprised whenever someone seems to enjoy or even want his company. Years of subtle, minor, rejections have trailed him since his creation, as if the waking world was determined to wear him down little by little. As a result, he has a severely low view of himself when it comes to his worth as a friend or as company.
Despite that, he persists with dogged optimism and continues to seek out the company of other beings. He keeps trying, keeps hoping, but he never reallyā€¦ expects to actually get anything back. šŸ‚
āžø Rarely holds grudges. He could be called forgiving at best, and overly passive at worst. šŸ‚
āžø Not one to hide his emotions, he often speaks without thinking. Fortunately, for what he lacks in tact, he makes up for in intuition. Heā€™s quick to sense the emotions of others, including discomfort or distress, and will immediately back off and apologize if he feels he was the cause. Heā€™ll attempt to make amends, but whether he's successful or not is a different matter. šŸ‚
āžø Avriel loves to dance! He started learning when he was young and picked up different styles by observing other mortals and deities, though Rafaele was also a very willing (and delighted) teacher. Would be all for dipping his dance partner in a dance! In fact, it's at the top of his bucket list! šŸ‚
āžø Has a sword he often uses in his dances. Avriel picked up sword dancing when he was young. Years of diligently honing his skills in the art have made him skilled in the dance of the sword, able to move his body and blade with the lightness of a swallow. šŸ‚
āžø Like most beings, Avriel has his personal preferences. He particularly likes eating meat. His favorite flower is the Krio firosafa. Delicate and enduring, they are often overlooked because they are always there, as if there would never come a day when the streets would truly lay bare of them ā€” Avriel thinks there is much worth treasuring in that. šŸ‚
āžø Extremely affectionate. He makes it incredibly obvious when he's happy to see someone, whether platonic or romantic, and will perk up with sparkling eyes upon seeing them approach. Loves pestering friends once they've gotten close enough ā€” a befriended (or romanced!) Ciocana may find that a happy and secure Avriel can be even more of a menace than they are. Although he would settle down somewhat when with a more reticient friend, content to accompany them in quieter activities. As long as he's given a sense of security and acceptance, Avriel is happy to follow their lead.
It's uncertain what the ettiquette is in Galaio in regards to skinship, but if Avriel were a being in the modern world he would be the type to affectionately link arms with his friends or drape himself over their shoulders. šŸ‚
āžø Becomes quiet and subdued when upset. It is rare that something affects him to this extent, but when it does, he shuts down like a flower withered in winter. There is an off-putting silence in his expression, in his downcast eyes. It is best not to leave him alone when in this state. šŸ‚
āžø Is very active, and prefers to take the longer, more creative route rather than simply using the streets. He often climbs, leaps, and bounds his way around Lucidio in an effort to add some fun to his hectic yet rather repetitive schedule. It works, most times! He appears to be drawn to high places, and can often be seen crouching on a pillar or making himself at home on a roof. šŸ‚
āžø Is actually quite content with his current life. While heā€™d probably definitely fall over from shock and joy if he got even a single offering from a mortal, his lack of power or recognition isn't something that weighs on his mind, not anymore. Heā€™s long come to terms with his status and makes the best of it ā€” though the mockery occasionally thrown at him still affects him.
Although it would be nice if the world wouldnā€™t look upon him so harshly, Avrielā€™s dearest wish is to have meaningful relationships with other beings ā€” bonds where he can safely go to them and know that they want him there. If he were able to have such relationships one dayā€¦ well. Who could ask for anything more? šŸ‚
āžø His fathers are his anchors. Avriel is a being who thrives off love and attention; his fathers have always given him the steadfast, unwavering love and acceptance that the world so often withheld from him. Even now, he actively seeks out them out when the endless streams of errands in Lucidio start to make him feel a bit too lonely, a bit too isolated. He adores their frequent visits very much, and is always noticeably livelier than usual for a few days afterwards. Avriel loves them dearly. šŸ‚
āœ¦ Height Chart
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āœ¦ Afterword from Distant Lands
Youā€™ve reached the end of this monstrously long post. Congratulations! You survived šŸ˜ŒāœØ I really appreciate the time youā€™ve taken to see this little person that I made, so. Thank you. Thank you very much. Ahead is an afterword elaborating a little more on the background of Avrielā€™s relationship with the others. I tried to make it short, butā€¦ it appears Iā€™m not very good at this short and sweet thing. šŸ«”
When I started forming Avriel, I wanted to make it clear that he had imperfections of his own. He has qualities that will make him clash with the other characters of Uroboros ā€” at the beginning, anyway.Ā 
(In case you missed the link at the top of the post, Avriel is my MC for Uroboros by @uroboros-if !)
Due to his passive tendencies and his subconscious wish to preserve the ā€œpeaceā€ that he has carved out for himself, Avriel will initially be extremely wary of Alessi and everything they stand for. The fall of the reign of the gods? He really doesnā€™t like the sound of that. But passive he may be, Avriel carries a heart that stubbornly longs to love the world and all its beings. The things Alessi will show him may just break Avriel out of the passive shell he's unknowingly created šŸ«” Iā€™m looking forward to seeing how they will clash and develop together in the future.
Avriel will have to look past the lens of his hero worship for Luciel in order to truly understand the person they are ā€” imperfections and all. Though come what may, you can rest assured that Avriel will always be Lucielā€™s number one supporter! But to close that distance between them, Avriel will have to do his part and understand that putting the other person on a pedestal will only do more harm than good to a relationship.
His relationship with Luciel is inspired by the ā€˜lookingā€™ scene with them. I imagine Avriel halting in place and staring Very Starry-eyed at Luciel during the times he meets them as the text from the Looking scene skitters through his head at the speed of light, a scenario I find extremely funny and will hold onto till the day I die. The MC talks about Lucielā€™s eyes and kindness a lot, and I took that fact and ran with it.
Salvatoreā€¦ Avriel's relationship with him is quite complex. Iā€™ll wait to see how future chapters develop before I write more about their relationship. However, I will say that I pounced on these paragraphs from the game to use as a foundation:
He opens and closes his mouth, tasting the words on his tongue before deciding. "Please, let's speak another time! I wish to hear more from you." You see a glimpse of his younger selfā€”Salvatore from a bygone era, when things seemed less complicated, less troubling. You think time has robbed him a part of his spirit. He has become busy. So very busy.
I suppose I felt a faint sense of regret from that last paragraph. The regret of standing before a person once so very close to you, and now so changed. For the better, most people would say, but Avriel secretly wishes that Salvatore could have stayed as happy and carefree as in the past. Though Avriel doesnā€™t really know that. Heā€™s not one for introspection. He just feels very complicated whenever he meets Salvatore, though he still does his best to regale the deity with comedic retellings of his errands in Lucidio. Just to make Salvatore laugh.
As for Ciocana, Iā€™ll also wait to see how future chapters develop before further shaping his relationship with Avriel. I feel that Ciocana has a lot of hidden depth that we have yet to see. But going off of initial impressions alone, I can say that Avriel definitely had a very good first impression of the other deity. It was an instant squish, if you will. Avrielā€™s boundless energy syncs quite well with Ciocanaā€™s mischief, and if given enough time to develop, I feel their dynamic has the potential to become the ā€œride or die (enthusiastic)ā€ kind. šŸ«”āœØ
Aaand, thatā€™s all. Thank you for reading this far (again). If you've somehow managed to read this far, then šŸ’šŸ„ŗšŸ’hand in marriage pls. Avriel was a joy to create, and Iā€™m really looking forward to seeing how he develops in the future. The world within Uroboros is so wonderfully crafted, its characters so vividly alive; Avriel would not have existed without it. Iā€™m very grateful to the author for sharing their world with us. Thank you. Have a very good day, and may you all have as much fun writing and creating your characters as I did!
āžø Picrew:
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unopenablebox Ā· 7 months ago
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i'm fighting demons but the demon is making biweekly posts about how perfect šŸŒø is
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ryderdire Ā· 1 month ago
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Idk man maybe I donā€™t wanna change everything about myself to fit into your boxes of a neurodivergence and queerness that isnā€™t worthy of ridicule maybe Iā€™m tired of being called sensitive for wanting to be treated with the same respect as everyone else Maybe I donā€™t want people like me to always be written as the butt of the joke.. maybe Iā€™m sick of my suffering being funny.
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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone Ā· 5 months ago
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yeah these guys were never friends and only see each other as coworkers
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mejomonster Ā· 4 months ago
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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void-and-virtue Ā· 1 year ago
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OP I LOVED UR ANDREIL POST GOING CRAZY THINKING ABOUT IT if you have anything else in that amazing brain of yours on this take please do share because i absolutely LOVED how you articulated this aspect about andreil. its something i particularily appreciate about their dynamic and relationship with anger and Their Issues TM. your post will cross my mind whenever ill think about it from now on.
I donā€™t think I have ever gotten an ask and this is kind of making me go insane??? I hope you know that you made my day and also, Iā€™m so glad people share in my endless brainrot bc when it comes to this series and these characters I simply cannot stop
It really isnā€™t nearly talked about enough that the thing that got Andrew to actually look at Neil and become interested was (as cited by Neil himself at some point tho I canā€™t remember in which book that scene is from the top of my head) Neilā€™s bone-deep jealousy of Kevin. Itā€™sā€”it ties into that whole epiphany that Neil has at some point, when he looks at Andrew and realizes that while he is hurtling towards his own breaking point and about to burn out and shatter into something heā€™s not sure heā€™d recognize if he survived the encounter, Andrew hit that point and broke from it years ago. And thatā€™s an understanding that goes both ways between themā€”in a fucked up way, it feels like Andrew might be the future that Neil has waiting for him if he doesnā€™t end the year six feet under: hollow and drifting, passionless after everything he had to rip away from himself to be able to survive. At the same time, Neil probably reminds Andrew of how he used to be, back when he had hope for things only to have that hope rip him apartā€”which is exactly where Neil seems to be headed for the majority of the story.
I think that a lot of Andrewā€™s understanding of Neil comes from the fact that he knows intimately what it feels like to be caught between a rock and a hard place and cut his own lifeline, only to then fail to die on impact. Neil hasnā€™t had to resort to that yet, but he is hanging by a thread. Youā€™d think that watching him struggle would only serve to drive it home for Andrew that he made the right choice in closing himself off, exceptā€¦ well. His expectations of life and the people in it are so bleak, itā€™s no wonder he finds himself drawn to Neilā€™s messy emotions and every unexpected show of spine like a moth to a flame.
Neil, for all of his issues and scars, can still feel thingsā€”can still want something so badly it defies all logic. Can want something with such visceral, fucked-up intensity that it resonates where it shouldnā€™t. Itā€™s an ability that Andrew thinks heā€™s either lost or cut out of himself to stay somewhat safe, sane and alive a long time ago, but that remains as the most fundamental crack in the foundation of his being. Itā€™s a fascination that seems to come out every time heā€™s sober and eventually ties into him wanting Neilā€”wanting something worth wanting and putting a name to it once he finds it. They look at each other and donā€™t want a watered-down version of the person in front of them. It creates a relationship that embraces issues big and small and accepts (even values!) the messy parts of being human. It means that any space shared between them immediately becomes safe once they settle into something comfortable together. The way they handle the uglier sides of each otherā€™s personality honestly makes me feral because itā€™s always done with understanding and acceptance and they even find positives or comforts there that the other canā€™t see and thatā€™s probably a reason for why 1) their chemistry is so off the charts and 2) their relationship is so damn healthy (in addition to their communication being stupidly good when it comes to each other).
Andrew wants something real and Neil wants to be real. And then they get to have exactly that.
#I hope this is even somewhat coherent#this went way out of hand but itā€™s an aspect of them thatā€™s so hard to put into words#something something Andrewā€™s almost detached fascination with intense emotions and fervor#he shows that same tendency when it comes to Kevin vs exy as well#in the sense that Iā€™m convinced Kevinā€™s passion both fucks him up and mystifies him#Neil is just much more up close and personal bc yeah his original devotion that caught Andrewā€™s eye was to the sport#but then Andrew got to experience that devotion turned around on himself full force#you cannot tell me he was ready for that#but also also#this and the og posts were meant to be about Neil and Neilā€™s emotions being ugly and messy and human#and how that resonates with Andrew because even terrible feelings can be better than an emotionless void#between numbness and twisted-up falsities#Neilā€™s raw emotions were probably the most honest thing about him early series and he had a lot that he was never allowed to express before#and not only is Andrew safe to let go of those inhibitions around#Neil also wants for Andrew to relearn how to enjoy that same privilege with him#losing control and all that#thereā€™s a lot that can be said about all of this and Iā€™m really not fully finding the words but. THEM. Thatā€™s all and thank you.#also ty for the ask I was really !!! when I saw that in my inbox :)))(#aftg#all for the game#neil josten#andrew minyard#andreil#aftg meta#answered asks
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excelsior9173 Ā· 2 months ago
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you know youā€™re in a very emotionally fragile state when fucking nickelback of all bands is making you cry lmao
i amā€¦ having a night. gotta stop reading romance novels before bed. but anyways. this song came on the radio and i had a mild crisis over it. thereā€™s ā€œgotta be somebody for me out thereā€ right?
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